garrotting: (money's the conversation)
Haruki Sagae ([personal profile] garrotting) wrote2014-07-16 09:11 am
Entry tags:

ic contact

Hey, what's up? Not much, how're-- okay, okay, you got me. Leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can!
labyrinthos: (he should be here by now)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 02:19 am (UTC)(link)
You wanted to know who hurt me, didn't you?

[A dangerous gambit. There's no guarantee that Frühling won't return someday, fresh out of a mind-melting stint in re-education--but Kaworu is making a choice of his own with this. He put up with a lot of abuse from Frühling, frankly more than he should have; he was just that desperate for a reason to keep living.]

So I wouldn't call us friends.
Edited 2015-05-12 02:22 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (doubts often lead to the end)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 02:48 am (UTC)(link)
[Even though it can be uncomfortable to receive someone's concern...

This morning, it feels good. It feels great. It feels like something he wants to bask in, like a sunbeam, like a sauna. He reads Haruki's message over and over, again and again, until he's feeling warm all the way through. After what happened, he's allowed to be selfish. Just a little bit.]


You were worried about losing your job.
labyrinthos: (they have learned so very little)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 03:23 am (UTC)(link)
What would you have done to her?

[Nonconsensual violence isn't permitted in the City, at all, so Kaworu definitely wouldn't have told Haruki either way. The last thing he wanted to have happen was an uninvolved third party getting into trouble. At the time, he believed himself to be deserving of Frühling's hatred and ire. Now he wonders how much of that belief was simply delusion on his part.

But maybe he wants to hear that someone would kill for him.

Maybe he does want that.]
Edited 2015-05-12 03:28 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (i'll make up for it tomorrow)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 04:08 am (UTC)(link)
No, [says Kaworu, and there's a soft rustle of fabric.] That's a choice you make, Haruki. Not something you're required to do. Ending someone else's life is always a choice, even when it doesn't feel that way. [He sounds really tired. He sounds like he has been crying, too, but a smile is starting to seep in with the saline...]

I love you.
labyrinthos: (goodbye hurt numb hello joy repeat)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 11:58 am (UTC)(link)
It does matter. Every life matters...

[Don't be mistaken: Kaworu isn't scolding his beloved assassin for having homicidal intent. He has chosen to kill throughout his lifetimes, too. Sometimes it was to complete a mission for NERV, for WILLE. Other times, a matter of collateral damage. He was baptized at birth in the blood and pain of billions of Lilin, and to this day he has to be careful not to rend and tear a partner's flesh. He pierced the cores of his own children and listened to them scream for help as they withered away in front of him.

And so where death is concerned, he's tired of it. He doesn't want to see more of it. It's flattering to know that she'll kill for him, but he never, ever, wants it to come to that.]


The best revenge is living well, you know. Let's live well together. No matter what happens, let's do that.
Edited 2015-05-12 12:00 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (so many bridges engulfed in flames)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
[That's the sort of question he really didn't want to be asked right now. The silence that follows is lengthy, with its own sort of bleakness; he's struggling to formulate an acceptable answer.]

I thought...

[The first time they met in person, Frühling told him that his music was hateful. He should have known to stay away from her.]

I wanted to make her happy, [he says, almost embarrassingly earnest. It's natural to assume that Kaworu wants everyone to be happy, but he doesn't have the resources to focus on everyone at once.] If I could have saved her of all people from despair, then... [Then he wouldn't be a total cosmic failure? Something to that effect.] But I realize now that she never wanted to know happiness. It was anathema to her as a person.
Edited 2015-05-12 16:57 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (ignore your instincts starve your soul)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-12 07:06 pm (UTC)(link)
[Listening to her reality check, Kaworu feels more than a little angry, bitter, and disappointed in himself. It's unlike him to be so petulant, really, but that's honestly what this moment in time is boiling down to. He wants to have a stupid tantrum (like a child) (he's hardly more than a child) where he gets to throw things at the wall until he has spent all of his energy.

He murmurs,]
I feel best when someone is smiling because of something I've done for them.
labyrinthos: (the water always smells of blood)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-13 09:10 am (UTC)(link)
[Formerly immortal, all-powerful creatures on par with God--with a capital G--shouldn't need these life lessons from a mere mortal woman. But Haruki is the furthest thing from a "mere" anything, in Kaworu's opinion, and no one ever taught him how it is to love himself.]

I just didn't want her to hate me. The more kindness I showed to her, the more she seemed to resent me for it. [A little bit bitter:] That contradiction is still something I can't understand. [Now he sighs in a heavy way that suggests he's covering his face with his hands.]
Edited 2015-05-13 09:11 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (he swam upwards and hit bottom)

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[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-14 12:10 pm (UTC)(link)
[Honestly, Haruki's explanation is perfect. It perfectly encapsulates the irrational nature of human beings. Despite being equipped with the Fruit of Knowledge, they're always behaving in completely unpredictable and illogical ways. Kaworu feels more and more nauseated just thinking about it.]

So...

[His voice is softer, smaller:]

Even if I improve myself, I will remain the target of their hatred?
labyrinthos: (lock load end of the road)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-14 03:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[Most of what Haruki is saying to him involves the ugly truths he knows on a deep, dark level. He loves humans in spite of their contradictions, even because of their contradictions... but sometimes he feels resentful of their contradictions, too. Offering nothing but his love to Frühling didn't lead to any sort of happy ending. Maybe this is an example of pain being necessary in order to define pleasure.]

I only feel intense dislike for one person in particular, who deserves that sentiment a million times over. I don't understand how it's possible to dislike someone... just because. [Warily:] You're familiar with that?
labyrinthos: (being here can't mean that much)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-14 05:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah. I'm really seeing that. [Kaworu could end the connection at this point--apologize for wasting her time, first, then try turning over and getting more sleep. He feels like he's never going to understand Lilin, not ever, even after being trapped in their mortality. But all of her cupboard opening and bowl rattling hasn't gone by unnoticed. He's curious enough to ask,] Hey, right now, what are you doing?
labyrinthos: (i'm late to my own funeral)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-15 06:18 am (UTC)(link)
Making me some cookies? [For a moment there, Kaworu probably sounds like a bewildered parrot. No one has ever prepared cookies for him before. Why in the world would she do that? What did he do to deserve them? In any case,] I like chocolate chips. [He's intent about it; interested.] You're sharing your chocolate chips with me? Why?
Edited 2015-05-15 06:19 (UTC)
labyrinthos: (my scars are named after you)

voice

[personal profile] labyrinthos 2015-05-15 02:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[Just because. Just because, some people will hate him forever. Yet, just because, Haruki is preparing cookies for him. Kaworu's face feels so much warmer all of the sudden. It isn't too far off from arousal, but it's...

He's blushing.

He's blushing?

He clasps his cheeks, the warmth, definitely bewildered. This hasn't happened to him in an extremely long time--to be honest, he almost forgot what it would feel like.]


You're making me blush, Haruki.

[Kind of an accusation, even though he laughs afterward. Lilin, why...]

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