[A dangerous gambit. There's no guarantee that Frühling won't return someday, fresh out of a mind-melting stint in re-education--but Kaworu is making a choice of his own with this. He put up with a lot of abuse from Frühling, frankly more than he should have; he was just that desperate for a reason to keep living.]
[It's blurted almost the second he answers. She doesn't give herself time to get her thoughts together any better than that, and she's almost to the point of talking out loud already. No way. Fruhling's taciturn, stern, kind of mean, even, but she'd never expected--]
what the hell?! you should've told me! i told you i would've taken care of it if you'd have told me! what the hell was her problem why did she do that?! you never did anything to anybody!
[Even though it can be uncomfortable to receive someone's concern...
This morning, it feels good. It feels great. It feels like something he wants to bask in, like a sunbeam, like a sauna. He reads Haruki's message over and over, again and again, until he's feeling warm all the way through. After what happened, he's allowed to be selfish. Just a little bit.]
[She feels vaguely ashamed. All the messy precautions she'd taken to avoid getting caught with him on break... she hadn't really thought he'd tell her anyway, but that probably made him even more reluctant.]
besides! she's not that great. you-- she's no good
[Maybe, no, definitely, Haruki's no good, either. It's almost bewildering how easily her opinion shifts with just a few sentences from Kaworu. He'd been so devastated, so upset. Anyone that'd hurt someone like that didn't deserve to be thought well of.]
i could've taken her. then you wouldn't ever have had to worry about her after that.
[Nonconsensual violence isn't permitted in the City, at all, so Kaworu definitely wouldn't have told Haruki either way. The last thing he wanted to have happen was an uninvolved third party getting into trouble. At the time, he believed himself to be deserving of Frühling's hatred and ire. Now he wonders how much of that belief was simply delusion on his part.
But maybe he wants to hear that someone would kill for him.
[She's thrown off. Kaworu ought to be talking her out of it, minimizing, insisting it doesn't matter now. Instead, he's asking for details. It's not like him. There's an eagerness there that's foreign to her.]
[None of that, though, keeps her from thinking more than a moment before she answers, speaking rather than writing. Really, back home or in Ariel, the outcome would have been the same. Someone like Fruhling wouldn't have just been scared off by being roughed up, and though Haruki's never gotten anything close to a decent grasp on Fruhling's abilities, right now she's angry enough for a little overconfidence. Hurting Kaworu's like hurting one of her siblings. It shouldn't have gone unavenged.]
No, [says Kaworu, and there's a soft rustle of fabric.] That's a choice you make, Haruki. Not something you're required to do. Ending someone else's life is always a choice, even when it doesn't feel that way. [He sounds really tired. He sounds like he has been crying, too, but a smile is starting to seep in with the saline...]
Everyone comes back here anyway. It wouldn't have mattered. [Or so she tries to insist, at least, the lie clinging heavily to her tongue. Because the day death doesn't matter is the day life doesn't matter, either. She doesn't believe there's really always a choice, that free will has much to do with anyone's actions. Not when it gets desperate, really desperate.]
[It's the first time in three months she's talked about killing someone actually verbalized it. She knows she should feel guilty about it, but she doesn't, not at all. She exhales.]
[Don't be mistaken: Kaworu isn't scolding his beloved assassin for having homicidal intent. He has chosen to kill throughout his lifetimes, too. Sometimes it was to complete a mission for NERV, for WILLE. Other times, a matter of collateral damage. He was baptized at birth in the blood and pain of billions of Lilin, and to this day he has to be careful not to rend and tear a partner's flesh. He pierced the cores of his own children and listened to them scream for help as they withered away in front of him.
And so where death is concerned, he's tired of it. He doesn't want to see more of it. It's flattering to know that she'll kill for him, but he never, ever, wants it to come to that.]
The best revenge is living well, you know. Let's live well together. No matter what happens, let's do that.
[She hesitates, wants to admit to him, I've done it before, you know, except she's almost positive he knows already, has known ever since her knife first sliced into his flesh. She doesn't need to confess.]
[And yet.. and yet Fruhling had tried to make it up to him. Like you could make up for beating someone up by throwing money their way. Like you could make up for murder by just being alive.]
Kaworu... why'd you keep working for her after that?
[That's the sort of question he really didn't want to be asked right now. The silence that follows is lengthy, with its own sort of bleakness; he's struggling to formulate an acceptable answer.]
I thought...
[The first time they met in person, Frühling told him that his music was hateful. He should have known to stay away from her.]
I wanted to make her happy, [he says, almost embarrassingly earnest. It's natural to assume that Kaworu wants everyone to be happy, but he doesn't have the resources to focus on everyone at once.] If I could have saved her of all people from despair, then... [Then he wouldn't be a total cosmic failure? Something to that effect.] But I realize now that she never wanted to know happiness. It was anathema to her as a person.
[Haruki swallows dryly. It sounds so contradictory, like she's trying to defend Fruhling, but that's not it at all. Her voice sounds more certain han she has this whole conversation.]
I figure nobody would rather be unhappy than happy. If you wanna talk about choice, that's the only one you really always have. And you can't base whether you're happy on making somebody else that way. It doesn't work like that.
[Listening to her reality check, Kaworu feels more than a little angry, bitter, and disappointed in himself. It's unlike him to be so petulant, really, but that's honestly what this moment in time is boiling down to. He wants to have a stupid tantrum (like a child) (he's hardly more than a child) where he gets to throw things at the wall until he has spent all of his energy.
He murmurs,] I feel best when someone is smiling because of something I've done for them.
I do, too. That's all right. [She's not sure how to put it, how to keep it from seeming like she's telling him what to do, even though she realizes, deep down, that's exactly what she's doing. Haruki knows, too, that she ought to follow her own advice at least a little better-- Isuke would tell her all the time that she constantly tied herself to people that just dragged her down and kept her from being what she could've been, but... it's just not that simple. Ever.]
[She's sure of one thing, though. She never wants Kaworu to get hurt like that again, not by anyone.]
It's just... when somebody's hurting you, really hurting you... you've got to look out for yourself, too, yeah? Otherwise you can't do anyone much good.
[Formerly immortal, all-powerful creatures on par with God--with a capital G--shouldn't need these life lessons from a mere mortal woman. But Haruki is the furthest thing from a "mere" anything, in Kaworu's opinion, and no one ever taught him how it is to love himself.]
I just didn't want her to hate me. The more kindness I showed to her, the more she seemed to resent me for it. [A little bit bitter:] That contradiction is still something I can't understand. [Now he sighs in a heavy way that suggests he's covering his face with his hands.]
[Haruki takes a deep breath before she continues. There's the sound of her pushing her chair back, and then the creaking of a door.]
Some people, they don't know how to handle someone being nice to them, 'cause they think they're gonna screw them over in the end. Or they think they don't deserve it. Or both. [She opens a cupboard, rattling a few bowls around. She can think a little better when she's moving, and Kaworu needs a better explanation than she thinks she can give him.] Then you've just got people that're gonna hate you no matter what you do. Either way, 's not your failing.
[Honestly, Haruki's explanation is perfect. It perfectly encapsulates the irrational nature of human beings. Despite being equipped with the Fruit of Knowledge, they're always behaving in completely unpredictable and illogical ways. Kaworu feels more and more nauseated just thinking about it.]
So...
[His voice is softer, smaller:]
Even if I improve myself, I will remain the target of their hatred?
Not you personally-- [Haruki hesitates, yanking out some flour and sugar from her pantry. Damn, she's hardly got anything besides instant ramen and junk food-- but maybe she's got enough supplies on hand to fix Kaworu something, aware of how small a token it really is.]
[More than anything, she doesn't want to lie to him. But she hates how she feels like with every sentence, she's peeling away a layer of his odd, childlike innocence.] I-I mean, most everybody's got a few people they dislike, maybe even hate, but 's not... it's nothing you've done and it's not because you're an Angel. Just that you can't be everything to everyone, I guess.
[Most of what Haruki is saying to him involves the ugly truths he knows on a deep, dark level. He loves humans in spite of their contradictions, even because of their contradictions... but sometimes he feels resentful of their contradictions, too. Offering nothing but his love to Frühling didn't lead to any sort of happy ending. Maybe this is an example of pain being necessary in order to define pleasure.]
I only feel intense dislike for one person in particular, who deserves that sentiment a million times over. I don't understand how it's possible to dislike someone... just because. [Warily:] You're familiar with that?
[It's a mean thing to admit as Haruki gathers up the rest of her supplies. She doesn't know if she can fully explain it-- most of what dislike she can conjure up for anyone is just pure resentment for having things like money, like education, for never having to live with the threat of hunger or eviction. Nothing they could help, but they're still reasons.]
Yeah. I'm really seeing that. [Kaworu could end the connection at this point--apologize for wasting her time, first, then try turning over and getting more sleep. He feels like he's never going to understand Lilin, not ever, even after being trapped in their mortality. But all of her cupboard opening and bowl rattling hasn't gone by unnoticed. He's curious enough to ask,] Hey, right now, what are you doing?
Making you some cookies. [She doesn't have the patience right now to make melon bread, since it has to rise first, and she's not sure their conversation's going to last that long. But cookies are quick. She's beating up the sugar and butter with a spoon as she speaks.] You like chocolate chips?
Making me some cookies? [For a moment there, Kaworu probably sounds like a bewildered parrot. No one has ever prepared cookies for him before. Why in the world would she do that? What did he do to deserve them? In any case,] I like chocolate chips. [He's intent about it; interested.] You're sharing your chocolate chips with me? Why?
[Has nobody given him anything before? Haruki's heart hurts, but her tone remains light.] Mm, just because. [There's a pause as she pours in the flour and some oil. She refuses to pay for eggs.] They go in the cookies.
[Just because. Just because, some people will hate him forever. Yet, just because, Haruki is preparing cookies for him. Kaworu's face feels so much warmer all of the sudden. It isn't too far off from arousal, but it's...
He's blushing.
He's blushing?
He clasps his cheeks, the warmth, definitely bewildered. This hasn't happened to him in an extremely long time--to be honest, he almost forgot what it would feel like.]
You're making me blush, Haruki.
[Kind of an accusation, even though he laughs afterward. Lilin, why...]
text
[A dangerous gambit. There's no guarantee that Frühling won't return someday, fresh out of a mind-melting stint in re-education--but Kaworu is making a choice of his own with this. He put up with a lot of abuse from Frühling, frankly more than he should have; he was just that desperate for a reason to keep living.]
So I wouldn't call us friends.
text
[It's blurted almost the second he answers. She doesn't give herself time to get her thoughts together any better than that, and she's almost to the point of talking out loud already. No way. Fruhling's taciturn, stern, kind of mean, even, but she'd never expected--]
what the hell?! you should've told me! i told you i would've taken care of it if you'd have told me! what the hell was her problem why did she do that?! you never did anything to anybody!
text
This morning, it feels good. It feels great. It feels like something he wants to bask in, like a sunbeam, like a sauna. He reads Haruki's message over and over, again and again, until he's feeling warm all the way through. After what happened, he's allowed to be selfish. Just a little bit.]
You were worried about losing your job.
text
[She feels vaguely ashamed. All the messy precautions she'd taken to avoid getting caught with him on break... she hadn't really thought he'd tell her anyway, but that probably made him even more reluctant.]
besides! she's not that great. you-- she's no good
[Maybe, no, definitely, Haruki's no good, either. It's almost bewildering how easily her opinion shifts with just a few sentences from Kaworu. He'd been so devastated, so upset. Anyone that'd hurt someone like that didn't deserve to be thought well of.]
i could've taken her. then you wouldn't ever have had to worry about her after that.
text
[Nonconsensual violence isn't permitted in the City, at all, so Kaworu definitely wouldn't have told Haruki either way. The last thing he wanted to have happen was an uninvolved third party getting into trouble. At the time, he believed himself to be deserving of Frühling's hatred and ire. Now he wonders how much of that belief was simply delusion on his part.
But maybe he wants to hear that someone would kill for him.
Maybe he does want that.]
voice
[None of that, though, keeps her from thinking more than a moment before she answers, speaking rather than writing. Really, back home or in Ariel, the outcome would have been the same. Someone like Fruhling wouldn't have just been scared off by being roughed up, and though Haruki's never gotten anything close to a decent grasp on Fruhling's abilities, right now she's angry enough for a little overconfidence. Hurting Kaworu's like hurting one of her siblings. It shouldn't have gone unavenged.]
I would've had to kill her.
voice
I love you.
voice
[It's the first time in three months she's talked about killing someone actually verbalized it. She knows she should feel guilty about it, but she doesn't, not at all. She exhales.]
I love you, too.
voice
[Don't be mistaken: Kaworu isn't scolding his beloved assassin for having homicidal intent. He has chosen to kill throughout his lifetimes, too. Sometimes it was to complete a mission for NERV, for WILLE. Other times, a matter of collateral damage. He was baptized at birth in the blood and pain of billions of Lilin, and to this day he has to be careful not to rend and tear a partner's flesh. He pierced the cores of his own children and listened to them scream for help as they withered away in front of him.
And so where death is concerned, he's tired of it. He doesn't want to see more of it. It's flattering to know that she'll kill for him, but he never, ever, wants it to come to that.]
The best revenge is living well, you know. Let's live well together. No matter what happens, let's do that.
voice
[She hesitates, wants to admit to him, I've done it before, you know, except she's almost positive he knows already, has known ever since her knife first sliced into his flesh. She doesn't need to confess.]
[And yet.. and yet Fruhling had tried to make it up to him. Like you could make up for beating someone up by throwing money their way. Like you could make up for murder by just being alive.]
Kaworu... why'd you keep working for her after that?
voice
I thought...
[The first time they met in person, Frühling told him that his music was hateful. He should have known to stay away from her.]
I wanted to make her happy, [he says, almost embarrassingly earnest. It's natural to assume that Kaworu wants everyone to be happy, but he doesn't have the resources to focus on everyone at once.] If I could have saved her of all people from despair, then... [Then he wouldn't be a total cosmic failure? Something to that effect.] But I realize now that she never wanted to know happiness. It was anathema to her as a person.
voice
I think you're wrong.
[Haruki swallows dryly. It sounds so contradictory, like she's trying to defend Fruhling, but that's not it at all. Her voice sounds more certain han she has this whole conversation.]
I figure nobody would rather be unhappy than happy. If you wanna talk about choice, that's the only one you really always have. And you can't base whether you're happy on making somebody else that way. It doesn't work like that.
voice
He murmurs,] I feel best when someone is smiling because of something I've done for them.
voice
[She's sure of one thing, though. She never wants Kaworu to get hurt like that again, not by anyone.]
It's just... when somebody's hurting you, really hurting you... you've got to look out for yourself, too, yeah? Otherwise you can't do anyone much good.
voice
I just didn't want her to hate me. The more kindness I showed to her, the more she seemed to resent me for it. [A little bit bitter:] That contradiction is still something I can't understand. [Now he sighs in a heavy way that suggests he's covering his face with his hands.]
voice
[Haruki takes a deep breath before she continues. There's the sound of her pushing her chair back, and then the creaking of a door.]
Some people, they don't know how to handle someone being nice to them, 'cause they think they're gonna screw them over in the end. Or they think they don't deserve it. Or both. [She opens a cupboard, rattling a few bowls around. She can think a little better when she's moving, and Kaworu needs a better explanation than she thinks she can give him.] Then you've just got people that're gonna hate you no matter what you do. Either way, 's not your failing.
voice
So...
[His voice is softer, smaller:]
Even if I improve myself, I will remain the target of their hatred?
voice
[More than anything, she doesn't want to lie to him. But she hates how she feels like with every sentence, she's peeling away a layer of his odd, childlike innocence.] I-I mean, most everybody's got a few people they dislike, maybe even hate, but 's not... it's nothing you've done and it's not because you're an Angel. Just that you can't be everything to everyone, I guess.
voice
I only feel intense dislike for one person in particular, who deserves that sentiment a million times over. I don't understand how it's possible to dislike someone... just because. [Warily:] You're familiar with that?
voice
[It's a mean thing to admit as Haruki gathers up the rest of her supplies. She doesn't know if she can fully explain it-- most of what dislike she can conjure up for anyone is just pure resentment for having things like money, like education, for never having to live with the threat of hunger or eviction. Nothing they could help, but they're still reasons.]
People don't make a whole lot of sense, Kaworu.
voice
voice
voice
voice
voice
He's blushing.
He's blushing?
He clasps his cheeks, the warmth, definitely bewildered. This hasn't happened to him in an extremely long time--to be honest, he almost forgot what it would feel like.]
You're making me blush, Haruki.
[Kind of an accusation, even though he laughs afterward. Lilin, why...]
voice
voice → video
voice
video
video
video. really sorry for the delay.
video. no worries! <3
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
Re: video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.
video.