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I'm thankful for you, too. I mean it.

[Haruki mentally talks herself into giving into temptation-- after all, there's no eggs in the dough, certainly none of that expensive real food went into making these cookies. So the dough ought to be safe. She scoops some out for herself, licking the spoon contentedly. But this is way selfish. He probably wants some right now himself. So she sets the bowl back down on the counter beside her.]

Haven't you seen somebody blow a kiss before? [From the eager look on his face and his imitation, she's starting to wonder, faltering as she tries to explain.] It's, um, when you like somebody but you're not close enough to really kiss them.

[Kaworu wants for Haruki to eat whatever she finds delicious... but he does feel a little bit envious. Some selfish part of him wishes that he could intercept a bite of the raw dough. Up until now, he has been in a depressive slump where food is concerned, trying his best to avoid eating too much of it. The chocolate chips have seriously recaptured his interest.]

No; I didn't realize it was possible to blow kisses. That's interesting. I'll have to do that more often.

[It's kind of surreal to sit and discuss aspects of affection while someone is preparing nice treats for him. He started off the day in the ugliest mood imaginable, a single pinprick away from losing his shit. Now he's actively looking forward to something. Seeking serenity in Haruki was the best course of action.]

Humans have so many fascinating ways of expressing how they feel. I wonder what else I haven't seen yet.

Um. Most of the other gestures I know are kinda rude... [Haruki's bashful for half a second at best, making not-quite-surreptitious glances at the dough-- she should probably be offering that, too, come to think of it...]

Like the finger, you raise your hand and just hold out your middle finger. ... Actually, you might've seen that one. [It's distressingly probably more common than blown kisses, at least.]

[In a multicultural world, the middle finger might be a universal gesture... though it's one that Kaworu has never heard of before. He stares at the mirror, wracking his memory, before he offers,] Is that derived from sign language? [He studied Deutsche Gebärdensprache in his youth, but nothing familiar is coming to mind, unfortunately.

In comparison, the way Haruki keeps glancing at the raw dough is kind of obvious.]

Hey, if you're hungry, then you should eat your fill.

[He told her that once before, with his blood. He's telling her again. His relationship with food is complicated, but he really enjoys watching someone eat up.]

Nah, I've had this before. You don't eat enough. I'll save you some.

[She gives him a thumbs-up, remembering to actually look in her hand's direction, then hops off the counter, the better for not giving into temptation.]

And I don't think so. It's more.... 's basically like saying 'fuck you' to somebody.

Oh. [Kaworu's list of people who might deserve a "fuck you" is very short indeed. Still, it's something he didn't know about before, so he's grateful to hear it.] That does remind me of... [Lifting up a hand, he forms the "OK" gesture with his forefinger touching his thumb and his other fingers spread.] In many parts of the world, this means something or someone is fine. However, in Germany, it represents a bodily orifice and is considered to be very rude.

[He seems pleased with sharing that bit of trivia.]

Bodily orif-- [Haruki doesn't know what an orifice is, but she can make a pretty good guess by the context, video bobbing up and down with the motion of her head.] That just means money in Japan. Mm, hang on--

[She feels a little weird, not being near a mirror while he still is, so she heads off to her bedroom, sitting in front of the vanity mirror there.]

Hey, did you get to go to Germany? Or did you live over there for awhile? [Haruki feels like there's got to be some story there. Mentally, she's trying to catalog her own list of other signs she can show him, however meager and vulgar.]

[Haruki is such a beautiful sight, as ever, and Kaworu spends a few seconds just staring at her reflection. If it's possible to love someone more with every glimpse of them... well, that's what it feels like for Kaworu. He wishes he could reach out and palm her cheek from here. He wishes he could be with her for longer than a single visit, but he doesn't know how to ask for something like that. Probably, it would be too presumptuous of him.]

I lived in Germany for a while, [he says.] That's where I first gained consciousness. Later on, I immigrated to Japan. But, if you're wondering, I was born in Antarctica.

Edited 2015-06-06 09:08 (UTC)

Antarctica? Whoa, seriously? [The intrigue of Germany pales massively in comparison.] Is that where all the Angels are from?

[She doesn't know what he means by consciousness. Maybe when he got out of being a toddler-- it beats the thought that he'd been in a coma, at least. Haruki purses her lips.]

I thought you had to be Japanese 'cause of your name, before you told me you weren't human. [She can smell the cookies baking in the kitchen, the aroma sooting, reminding her of home.] Were you named that from the start?

Edited (html fail) 2015-06-06 22:29 (UTC)

I was the only one to be born in Antarctica, I think. [Everyone else came from abyssal sea trenches, the interior of volcanoes, dense storm clouds, the vacuum of space... no more or no less interesting than Antarctica, in Kaworu's opinion. He doesn't bother to elaborate.

It's the question concerning his lineage, his name, that completely catches him off-guard. Much like when Haruki asked him about choosing to live his own life, Kaworu freezes up. He's still smiling, warm and certain, but something inside his eyes is all wrong. A few seconds later, he says,]

Nagisa Kaworu has always been Nagisa Kaworu.

[He shed his other identities a long time ago. With a soft exhale, he decides to stand up from the floor and stretch his arms above his head. His ribs are much more visible as of late.]

So, did you ever travel outside of Japan?

Oh, no. Sometimes for work I'd get to go all the way to Osaka, but that's as far out as I've been. I'm from Higashimurayama, Tokyo. There's not a lot of industry over there.

[Haruki notices how long a pause he's taken, just to tell her he's had the same name just like most people, and is tempted to comment, but she's distracted by the prominence of his ribs. Damn, she doesn't need to be giving him chocolate chip cookies. She needs to be giving him a four-course meal.]

... 'M gonna send some more food over with the cookies. You gotta eat more, Kaworu.

Tokyo... I wish that I could have seen Tokyo in its prime. [Tokyo-3, while beautiful, couldn't serve as a replacement for viewing the original.

Now lowering his arms, Kaworu brushes his hands over his lean chest, along his prominent ribs, all the way down to his concave stomach. His grey flannel pants hang lower on his hips than they should...

Even so, he says,] I'll be all right, Haruki. [This is the closest he's willing to get to lying. He doesn't know if he'll ever be all right, but he's quick to reassure Haruki on it. Then again, he can't know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. Anything is possible, isn't it?] Humans always seemed so fragile to me, but they're more durable than I gave them credit for. I should be thankful to experience this for myself. [He's really trying to rationalize having an eating disorder.] If not for empathy, it would be difficult to change one's perception of something.

Kaworu.

[She stares at him with a look stuck between pity and mild aggravation. Practicality can't help but overcome his philosophizing. Those cookies are going to burn if she's not careful. She holds out her index finger in a signal to wait, and then scurries off to yank them out of the oven, setting them on the oven eye.]

[Then she rushes back to the mirror and, without preamble, fanfare, or any hint of a come-on, yanks off her shirt.]

Look at my stomach. [It's taut, tanned only thanks to her copious amounts of croptops and penchant for half-unbuttoning blouses. A few ribs are visible but indistinct, not really jutting out, mostly the result of a naturally wiry frame.] Does it look like yours?

[To say Kaworu is confused would be an understatement. What is that tone of voice for? That look on her face? Did he say something wrong? Is he being scolded for what he said? Reviewing the conversation, he supposes Lilin don't like it when their reasonable advice is disregarded. But he has his own reasons for avoiding food and they're equally reasonable (if only in his own mind).

... He didn't anticipate Haruki's eventual reprimand would involve the removal of her shirt. Though it isn't meant as a come-on or a come-hither, he can't help but stare at the tanned skin she's exposing to him. She's a beautiful representative of humanity. And, not for the first time, he has the urge to lick a stripe from her breasts to her navel.

What's left of his weight is shifting from foot to foot, a bit restless.]

It doesn't.

[He looks into her eyes again.]

What does that matter?

[Is he being serious? He must be. Haruki bites back a sigh. It's awfully cool in her room, and she crosses her arms on automatic, rubbing them for a little warmth. The mild side benefit of the gesture distracting from her nipples peaking through her bra doesn't hurt. Haruki's been naked before without sex, sure, back in the on-campus onsen, but that was around a bunch of other girls, only one of which she'd been even crushing on. It's not the same. Shirt on the floor, she soldiers on anyway, hoping she's not undermining her own point.]

It matters 'cause you can't just eat when you feel like it. You've got to eat to live. If you don't, you're gonna start fainting, and then you'll get to the point you can't even get out of bed. You don't want that.

[Irrational though it is, Kaworu feels unpleasantly cornered when he hears such an admonition: You don't want that. Haruki can't tell him what he does and doesn't want, even if it's unhealthy for him. He thinks a lot about dying. He thinks a lot about what it would be like to waste away and disappear from sight.

He has observed Lilin long enough to know when they're uncomfortable.]

Your shirt, [he says softly.] You should put it back on.

[Maybe he's ready to ignore the rest of her lecture, but then:]

When something tastes good, I don't want to stop eating it. I want to eat until there's nothing left of it. The feeling of fullness is satisfying, but it's arousing, too. It means I'll want to have sex, and when sexual contact feels good... [Hedonism can be insidious and compelling.] In other words, it's a self-perpetuating distraction. But I'm trying to find ways to limit that.

Eating's not a distraction. It's survival.

[She pulls her shirt back on, looking agitated. She can't even say she doesn't get it, because she does, or thinks she does. He doesn't really want to live.]

I've got nine brothers and sisters. You think we always had enough to eat? You think I've never gone hungry before? It sucks! So why aren't you eating when it's there for you?

[Now Kaworu is frowning for real.] What I do with my own body is the one thing that is not beyond my control, [he answers in a low voice.] Unlike you humans, I shouldn't have to answer to hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. I shouldn't have to. But I'm being forced to and I don't appreciate the things I'm forced into.

Edited 2015-06-12 14:00 (UTC)

So you're just hurting yourself instead? Don't fight me on this, okay?

[Kaworu's lips twist with something--his own bitterness, maybe--before he decides to step back and sit down on the edge of his bed. It's tiresome to stay standing for too long a time. Collapsing in front of Haruki would only prove her point.]

It's not possible to know pleasure without also knowing pain.

[...]

... I can tell you want what's best for me, so I'll eat whatever you include.

... Okay.

[She doesn't quite sound appeased, but she also doesn't try to insist he listen to her lecturing anymore. Pleasure, pain... it sounds like excuses to her, completely unnecessary. Leaving the video on, she walks back to the kitchen, opening up her pantry.]

[There's absolutely no fresh, real food. It's all canned or prepackaged. Ramen in different flavors in neat little rows, boxes of individually-wrapped pink snack cakes. Potato chips in a half-dozen varieties. Brownie mix, cake mix, Pocky... as well as a few reluctant-looking cans of what promises to be green beans, and a ten-pound bag of rice. It's not a remotely healthy setup, but it's better than nothing.]

Hey, pick whatever you'd like, okay? I'll bring it by in a bag, along with the cookies.

[Oh, traitor of traitors: Kaworu's stomach clenches and makes a noise, an eager noise, when he's shown the selection of edible fare. He has to remind himself that he isn't a stupid child anymore, and is no longer prone to sulking over a mild disagreement. For whatever reason, Haruki seems to be determined to help him allay his hunger. He's trying not to reject the kindness.]

I'm partial to vegetables, [he admits, rubbing at one of his eyes. Chocolate chip cookies and a bowl of green beans... not a conventional meal by any means, but it's better than what he's consumed recently. Three cups of coffee, some peppermint candies, and sparkling lip gloss (snowball cookie-flavored) do not provide much nutrition.] And the potato chips, I like those. It's fun to listen to their crunching.

All right.

[Without hesitation, Haruki gets every single can of green beans and every bag of potato chips, putting them in two plastic bags and setting them on the counter. Then it's back to the cookies, scraping them off the sheet with a spatula and bagging them up in something resembling a ziplock.]

[There's the bowl of leftover cookie dough. Haruki wonders, and doubts, if he's squeamish about eating after people-- that doesn't seem to be something he's too concerned about, before plunging in, a little more gently.]

You ever had raw cookie dough before? I can bring that by, too.

[Saliva is just another bodily fluid, no different to Kaworu than blood or tears. Eating something that someone has sampled from is honestly a sort of romantic notion. He has shared so much with Haruki already that raw cookie dough only adds to their trust.]

I haven't, [he says, smiling faintly, and there's a hint of hope again.] I really would like to taste it. Thank you. [It never feels good to argue with Haruki, but at least some peace can be made over food. Lilin's requirement to consume is an important part of what brings them together. He used to underestimate that.] And I would like to kiss you when you arrive here, too.

You don't have to ask to do that.

[Still, she feels like she should add, given just what she knows about his food intake--] Uh, just so you know, it's not a great idea to eat cookie dough that's got eggs in it. I've done it a lot, but you can get some kind of poisoning from it. But this is all synthetic.

[Warning in place, she grabs the bowl as well. This is too much to carry without dropping, so she'll have to take the trolley. Another expense, but right now she doesn't mind. As long as he's eating. As long as he's happy.] See you in a couple minutes.

[She blows him another kiss before cutting off the video.]

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video. no worries! <3

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